Chef Messy

4 a.m. randoms

1. Actually, it's not 4 a.m.  It's 6 a.m.  But I've been up since 4 a.m.  Jonah still frequently wakes up wanting a bottle at 4 a.m.  I am not a fan of this trend.

2. Jonah was a great little nurser, but I quit when he was 9 months old because his growth curve flat-lined and my entire family panicked.  So now, he has little use for formula during the day.  We can barely get him to drink it.  He is too busy for silly things like drinking formula.  But at 4 a.m.?  Must have bottle.  Right now.  Will cry it out for as long as it takes.

2.5. It's times like these that I miss breastfeeding and co-sleeping.

2.75.  There aren't any times that Ryan is sad that I am done breastfeeding and that he is therefore done co-sleeping.  Ryan is totally OK not co-sleeping.

3. I probably would have gone back to sleep, but our cross-the-street neighbors decided that 4 a.m. was a good time to test out their brand spanking new car alarm and stereo system.

4. It's really hard to sleep when there is a persistent "thump thump thump squeee-a-wee-a-wee!  thump thump thump" coming from across the street.

5. I don't know what is the deal with those neighbors.  They seem like nice people.

6. Except that animal control always seems to be over at their house because they can't keep their dogs contained.

7. My dog busts out all the time, so I don't particularly care about this, and I kindof actually feel bad for them that someone is always calling and complaining just because their dog looks meaner than my dog (but probably isn't).

8. Some acquaintances of ours are their rental managers, and say that of all of their renters, our neighbors get the pain-in-the-butt award.

9. Once, their tiny kids were out playing in the road, and nobody answered the door.  The little girl told me that nobody was home, and that she was watching her brother.  I think she is four.  About fifteen minutes later, her mom finally answered the door, but was clearly not with it.  Maybe she had just been asleep.  In any case, she had no idea that her kids were out in the road.

10. Once, when we were saying our goodbyes to some visiting friends out in Lexington, a policeman stopped by my house to inform me that Matthew had wandered out into the road in front of our house just as he was passing by.  We thought he was in watching Teletubbies.  Clearly, I am not going to be the one to pass judgment on my neighbor, because we've all been there.  Or, at least, I have.

11.  All the same, they just seem like they are struggling.  Nice people, but struggling.  Don't quite have it all together.

12.  One way or another, I wish they'd find some other time of day to test out their stereo equipment.

12.5.  It's probably not entirely their fault.  I was already wide awake thinking about how stupid it was that I didn't carefully read the updated exhibitor rule book for the state fair and wasted the whole day (and a lot of money) printing and framing photos that were all the wrong sizes.  Sometimes I am so dumb...

12.75.  While I was failing at putting photos into the fair, I ran into an ex-boyfriend's mom.  She told me he was getting divorced.  That made me sad.  And also glad that I decided to marry Ryan.  Every day something happens that makes me so glad that I'm married to Ryan.

13.  Jonah is awake now, demanding daily bottle #2, and he is mad, mad, mad.  Yesterday, I lowered his crib mattress because he figured out he could climb over the top rail by bunching up a quilt and standing on top of it.

14.  He is extremely grouchy about this new development.

15.  He is also not a fan of the child gate at the top of the stairs.

16.  Or any other sort of confinement, for that matter.

17.  And he refuses to eat baby food.  Or anything that resembles baby food.  Even if it's the same thing you are eating.

18.  I was just looking through some patterns and found this one.

I bought it after my first doctor appointment.  Back when everything seemed fine.  I was hoping for a girl this time.

19.  I think I'm doing OK with this, all things considered, but then I find things like this and it makes me sad.

20.  I guess it's probably a good sign that I'm sad about the sewing.

21.  Maybe I'll just make them for Lollipop.  Lollipop's mom desperately needs to update her blog.  Just sayin', Jen.

22.  Today I'm supposed to play the organ in church.  I don't want to.

23.  And I am the boss of me, so I think I won't.

24.  It's the hymns.  I do OK until they sing the hymns.  And last time this happened I could sit in the back and nobody would notice me.

25.  But when you are the organ player, it's pretty certain that everyone at church can see you when they are singing the hymns.

26.  So I think I will call a replacement and just stay at home today.

27.  I will say one thing about having miscarriages and fertility problems and all that mess.  It makes you love your children extra, even when they wake you up at 4 a.m.

28.  I ate a half a pan of brownies all by myself this week.

29.  Next week, it's time to get back to life and back to the gym and back to cleaning my house and getting things done, and it's definitely time to quit eating brownies for every meal.

30.  I don't even like brownies.

31.  A giant spider just walked across my desk.  So, I think I'm done here.

Love, Kim

on to happier events...

Did you ever see this totally amazing one man band?  I don't know if that guy is the inspiration for my little brother's latest project or not, but Logan recently singlehandedly recorded and produced a new album.  The vocals?  All Logan.  The drums, the guitars, the piano, the random sound effects?  Also all Logan.  The black gospel ladies' choir in the background?

We didn't believe it, but that was Logan, too.  He's amazing.  Definitely the ultimate one-man-band.  I honestly have no idea how he has figured out how to play ALL these instruments.  I also have no idea how he's going to tour!  That would be a show I would definitely pay to see.  Logan, how ARE you going to do that?

But, seriously, it's worth a listen.  There are definitely songs on this album I would buy even if my brother was not involved at all, "If I Don't Sleep" being the number one example.  "Brave New Shore" is really good, too.  So is "Legion."  Heck, they are all good.  I'm pestering him to put out a kids' album next.  You should hear his cover of Disney's "Kiss the Girl!"  Eat your heart out, Sebastian.

The album released on iTunes a couple of days ago.  You can get it here:  One Man Band of Gypsies -- Logan Kendell

Thanks for allowing me to shamelessly plug my brother.  I really do think he's amazing!

a big rambling post about God; or, why i am ok this time

The first time I had a miscarriage, just slightly less than two years ago, I was never going to talk to God again.

People kept saying stuff to me.  You know, all the stuff people say, trying to say something that will help, when really there isn't anything that will help.

"This is all part of God's plan."

"Heavenly Father knows best."

"God gives us trials like these so that we will have the opportunity to become closer to him."

To which, I held out the lightning rod and said, "Well, if that's the kind of love he is offering us, I will tell him where he can go."

So bad, I know.  But I always promised to keep it honest around here.  I was really, really, really angry.  Sometimes, even now, when I think about it, I'm still a little mad.

I just couldn't believe it.  Here I had spent years watching everyone I knew having healthy babies and not being able to have one of my own.  I felt like I had been through enough.  I had hit the limit of what I felt I was capable of dealing with even before I lost a pregnancy.  After SO long, WHY couldn't it just be OK?  Why did that one in five statistic have to hit me?  WHY, WHY, WHY?

And then, when I didn't immediately get any good answers, I was even more ticked off.  I kept going to church, for reasons I didn't even understand, but spent every Sunday wanting to throw things at all of the speakers.  I read scriptures, but I didn't find the one that specifically said, "Kim, here is the good reason for what happened; here is the thing you are supposed to learn," so that made me mad, too.  I tried to sort it all out in my head, but nothing would sort.  I tried to talk it out with Ryan, but I just talked in circles.  I never, ever prayed.  Never.  Other than to say, "If you have something you would like to say to me, you can come to ME."

And then we had Jonah, and he was totally healthy and perfect and adorable, so life was good, and I mellowed out a little bit.  But there were still all of those things that I hadn't sorted out.  Why does bad hit some people and not others?  Why does it hit some people repeatedly and not others?  Why does everyone say that when bad things do happen, it's because God has got some big lesson you are supposed to learn from it?  Because isn't that the very same logic that leads to the idea that God sends problems to people because there is something wrong with them?  And if that's really what you believe, why would you keep going to church?  What are you doing here?

So, I started reading.  A lot.  I read books from my church, and I read books from other churches, and I read stuff written by journalists and nuns and yogis and self-help gurus (which was not as helpful as the stuff written by nuns)...

And I read the Old Testament.

And even though my dad always says that after you read the Old Testament, you have to immediately read all of the other scriptures or else you'll lose your faith completely (because, I'm sorry, but that book is CRAAAZZZY), you can learn a LOT of things from the Old Testament.

And here is the major, number one, lifechanging thing I have learned over the last two years:

GOD DOES NOT PURPOSEFULLY, INTENTIONALLY CAUSE ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS.

This isn't a reality show where he is throwing in a challenge to make it more exciting.  There is not necessarily a big lesson that we are required to learn (although we probably will, one way or another) before we can move on and do the next thing.

This is just life.  And we are mortals.  And sometimes we are going to get sick.  And sometimes we are going to hurt.  And sometimes we are going to die in car crashes or in ICU units or whatever.  And, in my case, sometimes we are going to repeatedly conceive babies that don't form right.  It's all just part of the mortal nature of our existence.

God isn't doing this stuff TO us.  This stuff just happens, and sometimes he lets it.

Which, granted, is another reason to get mad.  But I've learned a few things about that, too. 

For one thing, I think we are so focused on the millions of things that God lets happen to people all over the world that we forget to look at all of the things that DON'T happen.  One of the books I read this year mentioned that we definitely don't realize how many times a day we are protected from stupid things.  The car that you notice *just in time*.  The scary blood test result that turns out to be nothing.  The trip you make to the top of the stairs, for no obvious reason, only to discover that someone forgot to close the gate and your ten-month-old almost to tumble down from the top.  The feeling that you better go back and make sure you turned your iron off, when you didn't actually turn your iron off.

I have started noticing these things, many, many, many times a day.  Anyone who thinks that God isn't really looking out for us has just stopped paying attention.  Seriously, when you look at all of the things that COULD happen to you on any given day, isn't it kindof amazing that your kids haven't been hit by cars, that your house hasn't burned down, and that you haven't had food poisoning every day of your life?

And then there are the BIG things.  Just in the last year, three out of four of our parents (mine and Ryan's) have had near-misses.  Ryan's mom had an anesthesia mishap, had no access to oxygen for WAY longer than is medically OK.  We have no idea how, but she's alive and making us really amazing empanadas.  Ryan's dad went in for a routine checkup and 24 hours later had four stints put in his heart.  His supply of Danish butter cookies has now been officially cut off, but otherwise he's fine.  You know about my Dad.  He had blood clots hit both lungs.  Instead of being dead, he's currently out teaching Matthew to ride a four-wheeler, which is just one more thing that, hopefully, the angels will lend a hand with.  I am willing to give great medical professionals a lot of credit, but I'm pretty sure there is some additional protection going on there.

Bad stuff happens.  And it stinks.  And I don't want to minimize anyone's trials by saying, "But look at all the good around us."  But right now, in a week that has otherwise been pretty crappy, I am looking at all the good around me.

I look at my family.  It is completely intact.  Even my grandparents are all still living.  Nobody in my immediate family is missing.  I have never lost a brother, a niece, a parent, and, most importantly, a living child.  I have a strong, healthy husband, and two perfect children.  They are well, and safe, and whole.  I realize how much I am in the minority to be able to say that.

And so, how can I be angry about this?

Which is why I'm not.  I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I wish it were otherwise.  I've cried a lot this week.  But I'm at peace with this.  I don't think there's some big lesson that I've missed somewhere.  Or maybe this is the big lesson.  That it just is what it is, and that you take the bad with the good and try to stay grateful for the good.  You keep in mind that your existence is temporarily just a mortal one but ultimately an eternal one, and that all of these things will be balanced out in the end.  It will all be OK.  It IS all OK.

I know I have a lot of readers who believe a lot of different things.  I hope I haven't offended anyone by this post.  I consider religion and faith and beliefs kindof a private thing.  But I do know that we have a Heavenly Father.  He does love us.  I believe that he grieves with us when these things happen, probably a lot more than any of us realize.  And it's so hard to try put the happenings of our lives in the context of the big picture, but there IS a big picture, and everything will be fine.  Knowing that has brought me a lot of comfort this time around.

...................................

Also.  I prayed that this baby would be fine.  And this time the answer was no.  But I also prayed that God would help me sleep, even in those days where I didn't know if it would be OK or not.  And I have been sleeping.  And this might not seem like a big deal to anyone that doesn't know me really well, but I NEVER sleep.  This is particularly true when I have anything difficult going on, which is always when I need sleep the most.  I am sad, but I am SO well-rested.

So, thank you, God, for the sleep.

Love, me.

impulsive and stupid

On Monday morning, we found out that the baby we've been really excited about all summer long wasn't going to make it.

And so, on Monday afternoon, we bought a dog.  (Excuse the bad cell phone photo.)

 

And that just makes perfect sense, right?  I have been a puddle on the floor all week, useless to absolutely everybody.  I'm pretty sure I've fed the kids, but I'm so distracted that I don't remember what, or when.  Ryan has been making up missed work hours all week, but still comes home and does the dishes and all of the other things that make our house function, because I just can't handle it.  Matthew needs a dozen things done before school starts, and I haven't done them.  Jonah just generally needs stuff all day, and I'm barely managing that.  So, what is the one thing we really, really need in the middle of all that we have going on?

Of course!  We need a puppy!  A totally UNTRAINED puppy, and a Scottish terrier puppy at that.  A dog known for it's belligerence and difficult attitude towards being told to do anything that's not his own idea.  Right.  That's exactly what we need right now.

It was totally impulsive and stupid, but on Monday afternoon we said, "Well, what better day for doing something impulsive and stupid than a crap day like today?"  Well, actually, I said that, and Ryan's response was something more along the lines of, "I think it IS impulsive and stupid, but I'm not about to tell you no on a crap day like today."

So, we bought the dog.  And yes, he was totally adorable, and I was madly in love with him, and the kids were really excited about it, and it made things a lot better until I woke up on Tuesday morning, panicked, and said to Ryan, "Oh my gosh, PLEASE tell me you didn't actually let me do something as impulsive and stupid as buying a new dog right now."  But, yes, when I rolled out of bed, there he was.  Tail wagging.  Waiting for me to do stuff with him.

So, I took the dog back.  The pet store people were really understanding and nice about it.  Or maybe they looked at me and realized there was way too much crazy going on right there, and it probably was a better idea to let the puppy go home with someone a little more put together.

This was all well and fine until we got back into the car and Matthew totally lost it.  Matthew, when I told him the news about losing the baby, nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and said, "Hmm.  That's too bad.  I guess you just haven't been saying your prayers good enough."  But taking the dog back?  Hysterics.  Wailing, huge sobs from my back seat.  Wailing, huge sobs from his bedroom for the next several hours.  The kid was totally devastated.  And so I spent the whole day not just feeling horrible because I was no longer pregnant, but also because Matthew was SO SAD.  And instead of spending the day consoling myself, I spent the day trying to console him about not having a new puppy anymore, and trying to convince him that it is, in fact, a very, very bad idea for us to have a puppy right now.  Or ever, for that matter.  Because we already have one dog who is sad and pathetic because nobody (nobody meaning ME, of course) has time to play with her like they used to.

I'm sortof laughing about the ridiculousness of the whole thing.  Who else has a miscarriage and then immediately goes out and does a totally impractical thing like buying a dog?  The Petersens.  That's who.

But, in spite of the fact that we probably can't handle it right now, and also the fact that we will now have an ultrasound bill rolling in which will cost us easily three times as much as an AKC Scottish terrier, I'm secretly wishing I'd have kept the little guy.  I'm secretly tempted to call the pet store and see if maybe he's still there, though I'm 99% sure someone else has snatched him up by now.

Because it's sad around here.

thank you.

Just wanted to pop in and say thank you so much for your prayers and well wishes.  Looks like it just wasn't meant to be this time.  I had an ultrasound this morning and the news was not good.  I'm really, really, really sad, obviously.  But, I'm also OK.  I will be OK.  It means a lot to know that we have so many people cheering us on in our quest to grow a family.  Thank you.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm going to take a day or so to snuggle my kids, and play WII Lego Indiana Jones with Matthew, and eat obscene amounts of brownie sundaes, and probably cry a little.  Or a lot.  But I will try to pop back in soon.

Thanks again.

this isn't exactly how i had hoped to announce this

When you are 10.5 weeks pregnant (just 1.5 weeks from the supposed "safety zone"), and blood is involved, it is likely one of two scenarios: 1. You are in an "implantation period" and everything might turn out OK. or 2. Your baby is already dying. And it really, really stinks when you have to wait around to find out which. As you can imagine, I am sortof freaking out here. I went through this once before. You might remember. It wasn't pretty. I'm trying to be optimistic, but I'm scared. The first miscarriage was truly the most horrible moment of my life. I've tried to steel myself for any possibility, but I don't know if I'm ready to do this again. I don't really think there is any amount of preparing you can really do for this sort of thing. I'm trying to stay hopeful. It's hard, though, having been through this before. I guess the reason I am posting this is because we could use a few extra prayers around here today. Thanks. I'd appreciate it.

wild stripes, finally

Hi.

Remember, like, a whole year ago, when I finished knitting this?

So, finally, like a whole entire year later, I have finally finished assembling it!

 

Hallelujah!

Because, oh my gosh. It. Seriously. Took. Forever.

The knitting?  Yeah, not so bad.  Lots of color changes, but mostly just your basic stitch.

But the finishing?  The piping assemblage, and the handstitching of the back to the front, and the making sure everything is straight, and the hand-quilting where one fabric is stretchy and the other is not... Ugh.  It took SO long!

It's a great pattern, and I love the way it turned out, but the PITA factor is very, very high on this one.

Whatever, though.  Jonah loves it, so it was worth it.  It has come to be fondly referred to as Jonah's Amazing Technicolor Dream Blanket.  Which fits.  It's pretty wild and crazy and colorful.  It's also good for peekaboo.

 

Here's another front view...

 

...and one from the back, too.

 

A few notes on this project, for the crafty folks out there.  The pattern is here and it's free.  Yay for free.  I really, really, really wanted to use the recommended yarn, in the exact colors recommended by the pattern.  Alas, though, KnitPicks no longer carries most of those colors, and I couldn't really figure out a colorway with the ones they had left that I wanted to use.  So, I did my best to match up the original colors with Cascade 220, which you can never really have too much of anyway.  It's probably a bit bigger than the pattern would be made up in DK, but I'm OK with that.

The back is a Michael Miller plaid that I picked up at my local quilt shop.  Let me give you one bit of advice on this pattern.  It is REALLY, REALLY, REALLY helpful to use a plaid or a gingham.  That way you can make sure everything is lined up right on an actual grid.  If you don't use a grid fabric, make sure you draw one on with a chalk pen before you do ANY finishing on this.  It will save you some swearin'.

In other non-knitting news, Jonah is busting out some teeth.  Want to see the funniest thing ever?

 

Have you ever seen a kid that got their side teeth before their middle ones?  I think it is so funny.  The other three aren't far behind, which I am really happy about because we have had some seriously ornery teething days around here lately!  I'm glad to see him returning to his happy little self.

 

But I will also be a little sad when he doesn't look like a funny little jack-o-lantern.

conversations with matthew: on road construction

"Hey, Mom, who decides to fix the roads?"

"The government."

"Hmmm.... well, I just don't think the government is very smart to do this sort of stuff."

today

Today, after three days with a fever that I thought was just teeth, you woke up at four a.m. with a nasty rash.

You went back to sleep, and I didn't.

I stayed awake, thinking of all the things that could happen.

Matthew could get a brain tumor, or get hit by a car while he's riding his scooter to Payson's house, or could get abducted by a pervert.

All kinds of stuff could happen to Matthew.

And then there's you.  I read yesterday about this baby who was born two weeks after you.  You lived, and you are, other than a fever and a nasty rash, healthy.  And alive.  And that baby is dead.  Pertussis.

Which makes me think, A) Oh my gosh, get your freaking shots, people.

and B) I am so lucky.

and C) I am also feeling a little fragile.  It's probably hormones.  I'll explain this another day.

But at four a.m., after reading about a baby who died of pertussis, it's really easy to imagine that it might be scarlet fever.  Or cholera.  Or something awful and uncurable.

And even if it isn't (of course it isn't, it's probably just roseola or some other minor virus, but you know how four a.m. thinking goes), what if you get sick?  Like, really sick?

What if you choke on an apple slice at church and die?

What if something horrible happens?  To either one of you?

And how would I hold it together if it did?

I probably wouldn't.  I'd be a complete mess.

(Do other moms worry this much?)

So, just stay safe, and happy, and healthy, and perfect.  Do it for me, OK?

 

And you are perfect.  And I am thankful every minute of every day that you are mine.

(And now everyone knows for sure why I don't sleep at night, and how it is that I get so many books read...)

Please don't think I'm crazy.  The end.